Neglecting my Friends lately

Dear Lindsay,
I feel like I’ve been being a bad friend lately.  I used to check in on my friends quite often.  You know, a text here, a phone call there.  Lately, probably the last 6 months, I’ve just slowly stopped doing so.  It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just these days I don’t feel like I have any energy to spare.  But then I miss our banter, the gossip, and just having little conversations on the go. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Incomunicado

Dear Incommunicado,
Thanks for caring.  About your own energy, and about your friends.  That’s nice. ​

First, let’s talk about this idea this feeling you’re having of being a “bad friend.” You need to parse out what is your actual feeling of wanting to be acting differently, and what is some weird illusive guilt from some voices you’re imagining.  There isn’t a definitive rule about what it means to be a good friend and what it doesn’t.  We make that up.
The guilt/ shame you might be feeling is only helpful if it leads you to more clarity about other feelings.  Maybe underneath that you’re feeling burned out, or sad, or lazy or ……whatever.
It seems to me that being motivated to change because we want to avoid being bad is really a motivator to be avoided.  To me it reeks of old church guilt, and I’m honestly SO not into that.
If you find with some investigation that you are actually sad about not being in touch with your friends, then the DESIRE for more connection is a much better motivator that the avoidance of shame.

Next, let’s look at your feeling of not having any extra energy.  This is super important and is an area I personally feel really passionate about.  I’ve done a lot of work (therapy and reflection and effort) to become aware of where my energy is going.  I can very easily overextend and then end up depleted, both in my own body’s health, and also then not having energy for the people closest to me that I care about.  I’m all for plugging the energy drains in our life so we can have a big enough reservoir to be healthy and kind on a daily basis.

Not having enough energy to be in touch with your friends, could mean your energy is leaking out too much somewhere else.  If there has been some obvious life event that has added stress to your life, then I wish your friends were the ones checking in on you! And I’m sorry that doesn’t seem to be the case. Perhaps they need it spelled out for them, like “ Hey Sally, I know it might look like I’m keeping it together, but I’m actually having a hard time the last few months, and I wonder if I could lean on you a bit more, like come over for dinner sometime and me not bring anything”.  Make sure to make your request as a request and not a demand.  (In a request there isn’t consequences if the person says no.  They are free to do so.  Make sure you keep it as a request.)

Why else don’t you have the energy for checking up on your friends? Another possibility I see is that perhaps you’re going through a big, maybe mostly invisible, internal shift.  Maybe you’re growing up or changing in somewhat mysterious, soulful ways.  I’ve gone through several significant life/soul changes where it feels like the deep innerworkings of who I am and what’s important to me are getting rearranged. On some level this is always happening, but it does feel like some chapters of life are more thick with it.

In one of these deep rearrangements, I don’t feel like I have extra energy for outward engagements.  So much of my life-force is going towards my internal stuff that there isn’t much, if any, to spare.  Grief will also have a similar affect, and I do wonder if there is something not too obvious but nonetheless impactful that you are grieving.

This lack of keeping up with your friends could also be and early sign that in some way you are outgrowing them or growing apart.  This doesn’t have to be tragic, though it might be a bit sad, and it doesn’t have to make anybody wrong.  It just happens sometimes that people who we were close to, even really close to, for a whole chapter of our lives can end up following their life path in a way that departs from our own.  This is necessary and has its own grief. I’m not saying this is definitely happening, it just could be the beginning of it that you’re feeling.
Anyways, all that analysis might be interesting to you, but you’re also just wanting to know what you should do.

First, I suggest you do nothing.  Just sit with whatever you’re feeling.  Notice it.  Maybe write it down more elaborately in a journal.
And, maybe lighten up about it.
You’re clearly spending some energy feeling worried about being a bad friend.  You could just take that energy and put it into a few texts to your friends.  Here, I’ll even give you one you can copy:

Hey -so and so-, it’s been a while.  How’ve you been?

You can copy and past that a few times and then see what happens.
There might be more going on here, and their responses or lack there of, and your feelings, or lack there of, after you send that will let you know more what’s going on.

Also, take the long view.  Lifelong friendships go through phases.  I’m thinking of two of my deep soul friends with whom I’ve probably had some of the most beautiful and meantingful conversations.  We regularly don’t talk for months at a time.  When we do, other than maybe a “hey, it’s been while” neither of us spends anytime worrying about why we haven’t talked.  We just get on with the beauty of connecting.

It seems to be that as I get older I become more and more aware that different people are on their own life paths.  There are relatively few people’s whose destinies overlap ours for any length of time.  As I notice this, the few who remain in my life for many seasons, become more and more precious to me.  And it does, honestly, make me have less energy for the passing liaisons that might just be a text here and there.  I want to make sure I have energy left for the deep soul friends and loves who are with me for the long haul.

So my advice is to both lighten up, and take it more seriously at the same time.  Lighten up around worrying you’re being a bad friend.  Text these people you’re thinking about if you want to, or don’t, whatever.  But also, feel into who the people are you feel a deep connection with who you are actually missing and longing for.  Plug some energy drains and say no to some things so that you can have more energy to direct towards those extra precious connections.

Wishing you a bunch of drain plugs and a couple of lifelong friends.

Hope this helps,
Lindsay