Feeling Resentful Towards my Ex

Dear Lindsay,
There isn't a conscious part of me that wants to be resentful, yet this is what pops up spontaneously when I am with my ex. Likely because I suppressed so much while I was in the relationship, as an attempt to maintain it. How can I be free of these niggling resentments?

Sincerely,
Reluctant Resenter


Dear Reluctant Resenter,

The first thing I notice about your question is that even though you say it isn’t a conscious part of you that wants to be resentful, you are conscious of it because you’re writing me this question. Awareness generally leads us to kinder better responses than unawareness, so nice work. Also, it sounds like in this relationship when you were “together “was very challenging and you weren’t free to express yourself completely. For that, I’m sorry and it must’ve taken a lot of bravery to change the relationship.

Mostly, I just wanna say you’re doing really brave work. Facing what you’r resentful of probably means exploring what was suppressed when you were more together with this person. Those are probably really long-standing patterns. They might not have even started with you (likely there’s a long family pattern at play here that is bigger than you).  This stuff doesn’t really go away that fast and I’m not saying that to be discouraging, I’m just trying to make it sound encouraging that actually any shift you make in this pattern is probably huge.
Anytime that you validate your own feeling is a win.  So you feeling resentful, and being able to feel that you feel resentful is actually really great progress compared to where it sounds like you were before, making your needs go underground.
The fact that you can feel resentful is actually more autonomy than a passive neglect of your own feelings.  What if you were to celebrate your resentment for the declaration of self that it is?  It might be an inner-child-rebel part of you coming to the surface that was hidden before because it wasn’t safe.  It would be huge progress if you can welcome that tantrum-ing child.  Likely welcoming those feelings of resentment as important teachers is going to unleash a whole bunch of creative and juicy energy.

It also sounds like for some reason you are still overlapping with your ex.  I’m curious about this. Maybe there are logistical reasons like children or business that necessitate you being in each other’s lives.  But…are you overlapping more than you want to? Resentfulness is usually a sign that in someway we’re overstepping our own comfort zone. That we are somehow going beyond ourselves for another reason. Where are you giving your ex more time, attention, money, concern, etc. than you actually want to an how can you adjust that?
Probably there was a time before in your life where when you subconsciously weighed the consequences, it was worth overextending somehow in order to be safe.  Are you still in that circumstance? If so, you need to work on creating enough space between you and your ex that you are safe, safe to only do what you want with them, nothing more.  Independent enough that if you disappoint them, you will be ok.  For example, if you were sharing a car with them still, and then you did something they didn’t like and then they took the car and you couldn’t go to work, that’s not enough distance. You need to get your own car.
Examine in what ways you might be overlapping with your ex more than you actually want to and how to pull back until you’re in the zone where you don’t resent them.  This will take some experimenting and you won’t get it right right off the bat. That’s ok, it’s a process.

And for the record, I’m all for keeping exes in our lives when it feels good.  One of my best friends is one of my exes. I’m not on board this idea that people we’ve loved and been deeply attached to get completely cut out from our live lives when we break up.  I think some of the most beautiful resilient love can come from relationships that “break up” and then find a new path. Also, it does seem to me that sometimes the people we have been romantically together with our destinies are intertwined with, and they just kind of stick around. Despite our best attempts. What I am saying is do your best attempt to get the overlap with your ex into the zone that feels good for you that is not actually overextending yourself into bitterness.
That could be in large ways like sharing a bank account still, or small ways.  It could mean that when you see them at your child’s concert, you smile across the room but you don’t have a full conversation. It could mean that you hug them for five seconds but 10 seconds feels too long. It could be small things.  You get to become an expert on yourself and your feelings about them, not so they change (because that’s not your department) but because your feelings get to inform you about what’s going on for you.

And, like I so often do, I’d suggest going to therapy. It can be a process to find a suitable therapist but go find one and by all means talk about this with them.  Because you’re shifting really longstanding patterns, this is not going to be a quick thing.  Find support that will stay with you for the long haul.
I’d also suggest you find a non-human listener. By this, I mean, a place, a tree, an animal, a river that you can go to regularly to speak out these resentments.  There’s still more that needs to be flushed out it seems from your past with this person and having a special place or tree that you talk to about can help these resentments have a place to go that isn’t just in the back of your mind all the time.   There’s clearly part of you that still needs to be heard and validated and letting that part know that you will listen can help to kind of calm that part. Sometimes in the moment when the feelings come up you won’t have time to fully delve into them because you’ll be busy with something that can’t wait.  But you can promise yourself that you’ll go walk to your listening tree soon.  Your main work is to validate how you’re feeling.  To be clear, you may never get your feelings validated by your ex.  That’s unfortunate, but it’s also not necessary.  Your job is to validate yourself. By this I mean you say to yourself, even outloud: I hear that you’re feeling angry/resentful/sad/whatever.  It makes sense that you feel this way.  It’s ok to feel this way.  I love you however you’re feeling.
This, by the way, is what a healthy mature parent would do, but sadly many of us didn’t have that modelled to us and now we get to learn how to be that for ourselves.

Let’s circle back to the resentments and you wanting to get rid of them.  So part of your work is to let go of the idea that you should or shouldn’t have these resentments anymore. It’s pretty normal to carry around resentments.  I wouldn’t say it’s recommended, but it’s not that strange.  There could be different reasons you want to be free of these niggling resentments.  Maybe you have an idea that a “good person” doesn’t feel them.  Maybe you’re loosing sleep.  Maybe because they feel uncomfortable in your body or cause they’re taking up some sort of energetic space or cause you just don’t feel like that impressive of a person for still having them.
I would be curious; what is it about these resentments that doesn’t feel good? Where do you feel it in your body? Are they making it so that the way you interact back with your ex you’re not proud of? I’m curious; why you need to get rid of these resentments? I realize that might be a strange question to ask, but if you can come to peace with these resentments, they’re probably friends.  They carry something really helpful and even beautiful for you. If whenever resentment comes up, you were to greet it like that sort of annoying but ultimately fine friend that came over and you said “oh hello resentment come on in for tea tell and me what you’re all about”  Those resentments hold clues to unlocking more and more of the beautiful parts of yourself.
Let’s be clear that your ex is not the person to be doing this deep process with.  I doubt that your dynamic is ready for you to voice your resentments and actually be heard and appreciated.  You need to do a lot of validating of yourself.  And you can find other allies to listen to your resentments; counsellors and friends and lakes and swimming and whatever else you come up with, but I think your resentment is actually progress and I think you’re doing great.
I wish you a forest big enough to hear all your feelings.
I hope this helps.
Lindsay