Do I tell my friend they smell bad?

Dear Lindsay,
A long term friend in my friend group has something going on with the way they smell. A number of others within this friend group have also noticed it and don’t know how or what to do. We are concerned that it’s health related and that there might be something going on with their gut or oral microbial health.
Any advice on how to approach this sensitive topic? We don’t want to hurt their feelings or make them feel insecure about the way they smell.

Nosey Friend

Dear Nosey Friend,
I love this question.  I love it because it’s unusual, and displays a lot of care.  And closeness between friends…I mean, you’re close enough to smell them, so that’s good!

It’s interesting that you’re not the only one who’s noticed your smelly friend.  Let’s call this Friend Jo.   So I think it’s safe to assume that it’s not just you, there’s actually something up with Jo.

There’s a big difference between strong smell of  someone, like after they have worked hard chopping wood, and a pervasive smell of unhealth or perpetual bad oral or otherwise hygiene.  The first kind of smell, of a natural, sweaty human, is the kind that someone’s lover will enjoy.  It’s not to everyone’s taste, but there’s an earthy human-ness to it that if your pheromones were a match, you’d get all excited by it.
Sound like the smell you’re talking about isn’t this kind of strong smell, but something else.

I hope that in talking behind your Jo’s back, you and your other friend’s comments have been kind.  It sounds that way.  It sounds like you’re trying to see if you’re the only one who’s noticed, and you’re not, and there’s overall concern for Jo’s wellbeing.

I think, among your noticing friends, you should pick someone to bring this up kindly with Jo.  I don’t think the first approach should be a multi-fronted message.  I think one person is enough.  Pick someone who has good rapor with Jo, and who is kind and calm-spirited.  Don’t pick the clown or the over-explainer.

Let’s pretend you all decide that you will be the one to bring it up with Jo.

You could try writing out what you’re going to say as a way to feel calmer in yourself.  You’re aiming to get to a place inside yourself where you feel a calm kind of loving certainty.
If you feel like this is a big deal where they will inevitably blow up in a cloud of embarrassment, then you’re probably not yet in a good place to talk with them about it.  You want to be exuding love, calm and the sense that this is a totally workable conversation.

Pick a quiet time when they are alone. I think bringing it up in a group is likely to be more embarrassing.
Pick a time when Jo isn’t tired or hungry.  I include this is my advice about bringing up any sensitive or particularly challenging topic, because we do better at handling difficult things when we’re rested and fed.  It’s a basic human-animal sort of thing.  We just get edgy when we’re tired or hungry, so when brining up something edgy, we try and soften the other edges as best we can.

In your specific words, you’re trying to find a way to talk about the smell as something separate from Jo, not an inherent problem with who Jo is.
You’re not calling Jo smelly, you’re saying Jo has a smell and you’re worried about what this could mean.  Can you feel the difference?

I’d suggest starting off with a confession.  Something like:
Hey Jo, there’s been something on my mind for awhile that I’m feeling like is important to bring up, but I’m feeling kind of awkward about doing so.
I’m hoping you can hear what I have to say in the best light, because I’m brining it up because I care about you, and I hope that if I’m ever in your situation someone would do this for me.

So I’m just going to say it; I’ve noticed a strong unpleasant smell coming off of you, and I’m worried it’s because something is up with your gut or mouth health, and that you’re sick.  I imagine this could be a weird topic to talk about with your friend, but I’m here for it if you want to talk about it, or want help trying to solve it.   

Then, I’d leave it at that.  No need to say it a bunch of times.  Just say it once clearly.  And then leave them space to react or respond.  It might be awhile before they work up the courage to talk with you about it again.
Make sure you don’t alter the way you treat them after the conversation.  Keep doing whatever you normally do as their friend.  This will help to signal that your friendship isn’t conditional on how they smell.  Unless of course it is, and then you need to say this too.

Hopefully, they are up for a conversation about the smell.  One where you remain kind, compassionate, curious.

There might something really practical going on, like they don’t have good drinking water and it’s hard to brush their teeth.
It might be that they don’t have a hot shower or laundry facilities.
It might be that they have a bunch of cavities because getting to a Dentist or paying for a Dentist, or registering for Dental care is beyond them.  You might get enlisted to help with any of these, or ask other friends to help.

There might be a barrier or getting medical help (maybe doctors offices are scary to them) maybe a naturopath seems too expensive.  Maybe they are having trouble eating well on their own.

Chances are, whatever is going on that’s making Jo have this smell, their smell is only the tip of the iceberg.  There’s likely something more going on for them, and if they get brave and let you and your friends in on it, it could mean supporting them a lot more.

I like to think that your friendship with Jo can handle a sensitive conversation like this.  I don’t think it has to be too difficult.  Of course, Jo’s not the one who wrote to me, and I’m not sure how they will take this, but I think if they take huge offence then they’ve got more issues going on then just their smell.
I think Jo is lucky to have a friend like you.  I hope they feel that way too.

And I hope this helps.
Lindsay