How to Handle an Annoying Co-worker

Dear Lindsay
I’ve got a coworker who drives me nuts. We approach our job so differently, and she seems to take everything personally. I don’t want to be an asshole, but I also don’t want to spend my time and energy coddling her. What should I do? 
Sincerely,
Workin’ It Out

Dear Working’ It Out,
Well, that’s nice of you to not want to be an asshole! And I’m definitely with you that spending time and energy coddling her is absolutely not your job and a waste of your precious energy. 
I’m going to go through some practical suggestions of what I think would help you deal with her at work, and then move onto some deeper possibilities of how you could use this dilemma for you own development.

In a basic sense this is an opportunity for some good clear boundaries.  Likely not the kind of boundaries you ever tell her about, just the kind that you get clear on for yourself and then stick to. The key of course is that it’s only your responses you can control.  Unfortunately, you don’t get to make her a less annoying person.  You just get to make yourself into someone who you’re proud of.  You’re aiming to respond to her in ways that, upon reflection, you feel classy and proud of.  At least, that’s what I would be aiming for and I’m going to assume you are too. So, to be very clear, your coworkers feelings are not your responsibility. Your job is to be a kind, classy coworker, but not a doormat. You need to figure out the bounds of what does feel good to put your energy into, and what is none of your business.

This is a good time to give yourself a safe dumping zone.  By this I mean, it will probably be satisfying to sometimes think of the no-holds-barred thing you’d like to say.  The come-back you really want to say to her annoyingness but you know it’s either very unprofessional or just plain mean. You need a dumping ground for all this.  For example, a (separate!) document where you type the email that you never send her.  Pro tip; do not write this as a draft email with her email written in the little top dress box! Otherwise you might accidentally send it.  Put it in a totally different place, like a page of your journal, or a Google document.  In this safe space, write out everything you wish you could say back to her.  You can me as feisty and use as many expletives as you want. Just DONT SEND it.

You could also ask a friend (not another coworker!) if they are up for listening to a rant.  It’s definitely best practice to warn someone that you want to use them as a rant receptacle and get there consent before you dump all your semi-toxic thoughts onto them. Also, be clear about what you’re wanting from this interaction, for example that you’re not looking for solutions you just want to vent.  I strongly suggest making a container for this venting to keep it from oozing out into too much of your day.  For example, allow yourself ten minutes to vent to your friend, but don’t take up the whole beach walk with your complaints.

So, now that you’ve vented the ways that you’d like to respond but won’t, you need some kind of protocol for how you are actually going to respond to her. 

You need to come up with a set of Standard Operating Principals  (or SOP’s) that apply to how you will respond to your coworker. You need to delineate for yourself what is your job and what isn’t.   So, when you’re feeling calm and generally like yourself, I suggest actually writing down these procedures so you can refer back to them.    That way when she does something that drives you nuts, instead of spending extra energy figuring out what to do, you can follow your own calm procedure even if you’re feeling rattled.

I recommend that the first step of your procedure is something like “take a deep breath” Chances are inserting pauses between your responses to her like getting up to go to the “bathroom” while in a meeting, or taking a break before pushing send to the email response will help you reconnect with your calm self and act from that place. 

Come up with a list of what to do when you’re feeling annoyed.  Notice I phrase it this way and not as “when she annoys you”.  Because, important side note, you feeling annoyed could have very little with what she has or hasn’t done on any given day!

For example, if I was in your situation my procedure would be something like this:
-take a deep breath and step away from my computer
-walk around the block or dance to an angry song
-write in my separate document the mean comeback I wish I could say
-drink a cup of herbal tea until my nervous system calms down
-ask myself if this actually merits a response
-draft the calm version of what to say
-wait x number of hours or days
-edit response to the bare minimum of what I need to say
-send response
-congratulate myself on following my procedure

  As the last part of your Standard Operating Procedures, make list of things to avoid.  You might have clocked some responses that you’ve tried before that have only made it worse, something that has exacerbated her annoying traits, or you felt gross about yourself afterwards.  List these out so that you can avoid them in the future.  In this vein, even though gossiping with other coworkers would be fun (since chances are you’re not the only one who's annoyed) watch out for this and avoid it.  Gossiping is still letting this annoying person take up a bunch of your air time.  It is a drain on your energy, and it’s just not classy.

So, you’re not gossiping with your coworkers, but if you and this coworker have a shared boss, there is another route you could try. Your boss might have the ability to shift how much you and this annoying coworker actually have to work together.  There might be a place to politely mention to your boss that you find this person challenging to work with. Try and say it as information rather than a complaint. You could say something like:  I find it really challenging to work with so-and-so, I’m hoping you could limit the areas we overlap. Or something like that. 

Stay with me, I’ve got a few more points that might be helpful.  One zoomed out, one next-level-shit and the last playful.

The zoomed out point is that it is worth doing a thought experiment to remind yourself of your own agency.  Ask yourself: How annoying would this person have to get before I would want to quit my job?  You probably already had moments where you thought for sure you were wanted to quit because of how annoying they were, but I mean actually take a moment to consider whether it’s already at the point you want to quit your job, or whether you want to stay.  Actually reminding yourself that you have a choice, you could quit and pick a different job and you are choosing not to, gives you back your sense of power and agency.  I get that quitting your job likely isn’t an easy, or an appealing option.  You likely have real reasons for staying, including real financial reasons, or difficulty finding another job or not wanting life upheaval.  I’m not saying that you necessarily have a string of perfect other options.  My point is only that you do have options.  Your life could look different than it does right now.  Even if you like none of the other options, realizing you do have options and you are choosing this particular version is empowering.  And if you are at a loss of what your other options are then you need more conversations with imaginative or skilled people who can help you realize what your options are.
If you keep working with this coworker, it should be because you’ve realized that on some level you think it is (currently, this could change!) the best option for you.  You could even decide that you’ll give yourself a timeline like: I will keep at this job until the end of this year, and then reevaluate.  Remember that you are in this job because you are choosing it among other options.

Now, for the next-level-stuff.  This one I’ll warn you isn’t fun, and hopefully some of these other suggestions help enough that you don’t have to resort to this one.  I say that because this angle is difficult.  It requires next level self-examination and that can lead to some uncomfortable and sticky feelings.  But it still feels like to completely answer your question I have to mention this point: all too often what we find annoying about other people is something that we have yet to accept about ourselves.  Not necessarily directly, but somehow connected.  I don’t like telling you this part of my advice, because I can already think of an area in my life where I’m feeling annoyed and where this line of inquiry is uncomfortable to follow.  So I don’t really blame you if you don’t want to go there. 
But still, it’s next level stuff.  What is the underlying thing here that I find annoying? Is there any chance someone else in my life might have been annoyed with me about a similar thing in the past? If you find a YES in there anywhere, then the work is to accept this about yourself.  You don’t even have to like it.  It’s more like a kind parent embracing their child even though they’ve walked with muddy boots all over the floor. See if you can find that kind adult part inside of you (maybe not the parent you had, but the best parent you can imagine) who can hold both annoyance and acceptance at the same time.  See if you can hold yourself as someone who is also annoying but wonderful.  Because, even though I don’t know you, I’m pretty sure you are wonderful, and also sometimes annoying. 

The second part of this next-level stuff is to consider which part of being annoyed you actually find rather satisfying.  We’re all a bit kinky like this.  Being annoyed has a certain sort of electricity to it.  It’s activating and feels kind of buzzy.  The next-level-stuff would be to consider what kind of twisted jollies you’re getting from being annoyed.  Maybe you enjoy the secondary feeling of smugness.  Maybe you get off on the gossip.  Maybe you like feeling superior to your coworker.  Maybe the rest of your life is just rather boring and this is creating some of the drama you need to feel like your life is interesting enough.  It’s worth considering what you would loose if you suddenly stopped feeling annoyed by your coworker.  Would you lose a topic of dinnertime conversation with your partner? Would you loose an excuse to go buy yourself a sweet treat? You’re likely gaining something from this dance of annoyance.  Becoming aware of that is next-level-stuff.  If you make it there, congratulations.  Most people never do.

OK my last point…You could try employing a witchy playful visualization to help you with your boundaries.  You and this annoying coworker are interacting somehow so your auras or your energies or your personalities or whatever you want to call it are bumping up against each other in a way that doesn’t feel good to you.  So you could imagine some kind of buffer that the annoying person is going to encounter before they get to you. This could be like green goo or a dance party of really cute purple-winged fairies or a big bouncer in black leather from a nightclub or just a nice hazy cloud of protection.  Whatever works for you as some kind of visualization of a buffer.  Maybe it becomes part of your morning routine that before you arrive at work or open your computer, you visualize putting that custom buffer up between you and this person.  This helps you stay clear on what’s theirs and what’s yours so it doesn’t feel so mushy.   

Again you don’t get to choose how she acts but you do get to choose how you act and you’re trying to find a place where you’re proud of your responses.
Overall, I wish you all the insight, calm and green goo that you need. 
Hope this helps,

Lindsay