New Relationship, but no sex yet...why?

Dear Lindsay,

I’ve been dating this guy for three months, at least that’s what I think we’ve been doing.  But we haven’t had sex yet.  It’s weird.  When we’re together it’s often hot and sexy, but he always winds down the excitement before we can get that far.  I’m used to having sex with a new partner a lot earlier than this, and it’s weirding me out.  I really like this guy and I want to keep dating him, but I’m worried I’ll get really invested and then find out we aren’t compatible sexually.  What should I do?

Thanks,
Horny and Confused


Dear Horny and Confused,
You should go pleasure yourself, then go talk to him.

You are already not sexually compatible if you’re not able to talk with your prospective lover about sex.  Talking about sex with a lover, what works for you, what you enjoy, what you don’t like, is key to a happy, pleasurable and fulfilling sex-life.

And, of course, there’s a lot more that goes into good sex than anatomy and positions.  There’s mood, worries, pheromones.

I no longer think there’s a magic “right time” to have sex for the first time in a relationship.  Other than when it feels right and good for both people involved.  Here, it would appear he has reasons for why he’s not game yet.

What you need to know is: does he know those reasons and do those reasons make enough sense to you, and can you work within them.
It could be that he’s operating from a totally different place, and has acquired some kind of rule that one must wait 6 months, or wait until marriage, or wait until Valentine’s Day, or who knows.  Point is you need to be able to talk about it.
Or maybe he’s got some internal hang ups that are causing him to be afraid of further intimacy.  If he knows this is the case and is working with them, maybe you want to be part of his journey.  But I’d caution around this as you might end up as more of his therapist than his lover.
If you tell him something like: Hey, I’m feeling ready for more intimacy and I’m curious why it seems to me like you wind us down just when I’m getting all riled up and he says “I don’t know what you’re talking about” then, my dear, it’s probably going to be too much work. Move on now.
However if he says “oh, thanks so much for bringing that up, tell me more about how you’re feeling” and then listens and then tell you how he’s feeling too, and what’s going on for him, then, my dear, you’ve struck gold.  And even if you have to wait another three months and take care of yourself, so to speak, until then, you’ve probably got the makings of a great lover-ship on your hands.
Sex does crazy things to our brains.  I can see a lot of value in getting to know someone before introducing that cocktail of chemicals.  But it’s also really beautiful to enjoy that sexy haze with someone.  But sometimes when the haze lifts the terrain is pretty rocky and we wonder how in the world we got there.
So your potential lover might be giving you a gift of time together before the full cocktail.  Or he might be a repressed, unhealthy and afraid of intimacy.  Or he might be aware the full sex comes with a bunch of more weighty consequences and meanings and he’s biding his time. You need to figure out which one it is for him.
Tell him what’s up for you and see how he respond.  That will give you your answer of whether you want to keep exploring this relationship with him.
I wish you a good, and maybe even sexy conversation.

I hope this helps.

Lindsay